


Becoming Myself

by OceanCandy (PaddlingDingo), PaddlingDingo



Series: The Spaces In Between [7]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Body Image, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:00:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaddlingDingo/pseuds/OceanCandy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaddlingDingo/pseuds/PaddlingDingo
Summary: Charlton tries on the transfiguration amulet for the first time. Kady is a supportive friend. Sometimes you don’t realize how little you feel like yourself until you look in the mirror and finally see your own face.
Relationships: Kady Orloff-Diaz & Charlton
Series: The Spaces In Between [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746043
Kudos: 7





	Becoming Myself

Charlton scrolled through the news on his phone, still not over how easy it was to have anything at his fingertips. He wasn’t entirely sure how anyone got anything done, he felt like he could stare at this little device for hours. Kady had given him a charger and a cable to carry in his bag. She’d told him that her biggest fear was that his phone would die and he’d be lost in New York.

He doubted it was literally her biggest fear, but he’d take it.

As he opened an article about coffee and it’s effects on blood pressure (he swore he’d never reveal that kind of truth to Eliot), a text message popped up on his screen.

It was from Pete. _I think I have an answer for your mystery. Safe house, noon?_

Two weeks ago, Charlton had brought Pete the bracelet amulet that Eliot had received from Santa, with Eliot’s permission. He and Eliot had tried to identify it; Eliot had tried putting it on, but it had no effect as far as Eliot could tell. Charlton tried looking it up in the school’s library but had no luck, and the Library was off limits as he was not a student yet. Eliot had been talking about making a trip there, but it hadn’t been a priority. Whatever it was meant to be used for, it would have to reveal itself.

Neither of them liked the answer of not knowing, though, so they’d talked to Pete. Pete, while not being someone that Charlton would go out of his way to talk to, was a useful source of information and willing to help. He texted Pete back that he’d be there, then gathered up his bag and his coat and headed out to start towards the apartment. He didn’t mind the trip so much, now that he’d made the trip enough times. It would be faster to travel, but he certainty wasn’t going to ask Penny for help frivolously.

The trip meant taking a bus to a subway, but from there it wasn’t a long trip to get to the safe house apartment. He liked visiting the apartment; he wasn’t sure if it’s because it was the first place on Earth where he’d been able to touch or interact with things, or if it was that it was the place where he and Eliot had repeated the latter part of the time loop. Where Eliot had finally let him out.

Charlton sighed. He could have handled that a lot better, but he hadn’t been knowing how to ask or how to get through to Eliot. Subtlety hadn’t worked, and in the middle of the time loop, even less so. Any efforts he’d mad before Eliot’s days of sleep deprivation were barely noticed, and it wasn’t until he’d started almost seeing things that he started to see the things that were actually there. Things like Charlton’s messages.

Even though he wished he’d dealt with it differently (perhaps something like signing his name), he’d needed to get out of there when he did. He’d needed to help Eliot get through the time loop. Between watching the aborted attempts over and over, and the secondhand frustration of being stuck in variations of the same event, finally able to talk to Eliot had been a relief.

He wondered what the amulet could be, and why Pete had only texted him and not Eliot. Maybe Pete figured Charlton had more time on his hands, which was true. While Eliot was teaching, Charlton spent his days reading, and exploring parts of Brakebills that he was allowed to go to.

The trip into the city felt slower today, perhaps with the anticipation of Pete’s news. Kady had gotten him a transit card to make it easier for him to come visit, although they’d talked about getting a better portal up once the Circumstances had settled a bit more. Charlton wouldn’t mind that, but he’d still have to go walk a distance to get to the portal, since the chances of them managing to get a portal from Brakebills to a hedge witch safe house were non-existent.

He checked the battery on his phone: 61%. He never really knew if that was accurate, the things that seemed to affect it never felt the same. To be safe, he plugged it in and put it in his bag. He wanted to text Eliot, but he felt like he should figure out what Pete had discovered first, especially as Eliot was currently busy teaching. He’d be taking his lunch break soon, where he’d probably end up staring into the piles from a written test he’d talked about yesterday.

It wasn’t so bad, this. Not being himself was strange, awkward. Things he wanted to eat, like cheese, weren’t always the best idea with Hyman’s body. But it meant he could do things like ride on the subway, which he supposed was something. Even if his foot got stuck in that chewy sticky stuff that was somehow always a grayish shade of pink, he’d take it.

But something felt like it was missing. He felt sad when he looked in the mirror sometimes, like he was looking at a stranger. He didn’t object to Hyman’s appearance, not at all. And he was grateful. Yet, something continued to bother him, a feeling of being in the wrong body, a body that wasn’t meant for him. Even getting dressed in the morning, his arms felt the wrong length. He was the same height as Eliot which seemed wrong, as he’d been sure he had been just a little shorter.

This was far better than living in Eliot’s head, but still didn’t feel right.

He got off the subway at the stop nearest the apartment, and made the walk over and into the building. He was about 15 minutes early because of the subway schedule, so he texted Pete in the elevator. He found Pete already waiting with the front door open, standing just inside.

Charlton closed the doors behind him and followed Pete, who had the amulet laid on a soft blue cloth on the table in the living room. “I think I might have worked out what this does,” he explained.

“So what does it do then?” Charlton felt impatient, wanting to know.

“Well, hang on a second.” Pete sat down on the couch and indicated that Charlton take the chair by the amulet. “I’ve had to do a lot of research to get it to this point. What I’ve determined is that it’s a type of transfiguration amulet. You can tell by the way this part here curves around,” he noted, picking up a pen and pointing to a detail that Charlton could hardly see. “But what’s _really_ interesting,” he continued, “is this part along the band.”

Charlton bent over the amulet and could see that there was a tiny design of something that looked almost like an eye. “An eye?”

“It’s a specific one.” Pete picked up a very old book, flipping it open to a page with a bookmark. Charlton peered at the entry as Pete tapped on it. “It looks like this. An eye that looks inward.”

“Inward.” Charlton peered down at the amulet and it’s unassuming form on the cloth. “It helps the wearer look inward?” But that didn’t make any sense.

“No, because of this part here,” he said, pointing, “This suggests a projection outward.” Pete picked it up and put it on his wrist. “It makes the wearer’s outside appearance reflect how they are on the inside. In the sense that it knows how you’re supposed to look. But I’m already who I am on the inside.” He pulled off the amulet and held it out to Charlton. “But you’re not.”

Charlton stared down at it, processing what that realization meant. On the inside. He didn’t take the amulet from Pete. “Are you saying this will make me look like myself?”

Pete opened his hand further, waiting for Charlton to take it. “That’s exactly what I think it will do, but I can’t be certain until you put it on.”

Charlton reached for it, slow and deliberate. This could change everything. He didn’t know what looking like himself would be like, when he looked. Did he look like he remembered? Would it know how he was supposed to look even though he’d forgotten little details about himself?

Taking a breath, he slid it from Pete’s hand and held it in his hands, studying it. “All this time I could have tried it on,” he mussed, turning it over in his hand.

“You could do it now?” Pete sighed. “What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know what it will feel like,” Charlton admitted.

“Well, you let yourself get pulled out of Eliot and shoved into the first random body there was, so I feel like you’ve done the hard part.”

Charlton set the amulet down, took off his coat, and picked it back up. He closed his eyes and clasped it around his wrist, waiting for what would happen. “What happened? Did it work?”

“Take a look.”

He felt a hand on his shoulder and it felt… different. Completely different. He opened his eyes and everything looked strange. Brighter.

Holding up his hands, he realized they were his hands. Not Hyman’s hands, but his own hands. He watched them shaking and set them on his knees. The fabric felt different under his fingers, as if he were catching more details. He’d forgotten he had a small birthmark on his left hand.

He focused on Pete, who sat on the couch, grinning. “It worked.”

Charlton forced in a breath and tried to orient himself. He felt like himself, how he should feel, but so much time not as himself had conditioned him to expect something else. He reached up and felt his face, a nose he still remembered, the curve of his eyebrows and how pronounced it was when he felt surprised (like now). His hair, the same texture, the same style. Everything he remembered about himself.

“Mirror,” he gasped, getting to his feet on unsteady legs. The room spun around him and he wondered if he should take the amulet off. This was too much, it would overwhelm him, the way things felt familiar but also different because he’d never felt fabric on Earth as himself, had never walked in shoes like this, the way he scuffed across the carpet-

He stumbled as he tried to move around the table and Pete took his arm. “You can take it off if it’s too much.”

“No.” Charlton shook his head. “I have to see first. I have to know. I feel like _me._ ”

Pete guided him across the room, slow. “It’s not just your appearance, then. It’s changed everything.”

They moved past a vase of flowers near the hallway, and Charlton breathed in the scent of them, pausing. He put a hand against the table and pulled in a deeper breath, smelling flowers both vaguely familiar and completely foreign. They’d all smelled familiar before, and made him sneeze as if he’d been…

Smelling them with Hyman’s senses. He pressed his face into a large pink flower, inhaling. It hit him all at one. “It’s all different.” He studied the details of the petals of the flower, recognizing it as a peony. “I didn’t sneeze this time.”

“You aren’t allergic, Hyman was,” Pete pointed out. Awe had started to creep into his voice. “Wow.”

“This wasn’t what was supposed to happen?” Charlton said, looking up and stumbling backwards. “I thought you were the expert.”

“It’s not a precise science,” Pete muttered, directing them into the bathroom and turning on the light.

Charlton grabbed the edge of the countertop and held on, closing his eyes. He wasn’t ready. What if he didn’t look like he remembered? What if something was wrong? What if he had a hole in him because his body got shot? Which was a ridiculous thought, he’d know if he had a hole in him. Wouldn’t he?

He took a breath and opened his eyes, staring down at his hands. His hands looked exactly as they should. There was no reason nothing else should be different, either.

Bringing his head up, he made eye contact with himself. He watched his jaw drop in the mirror, his eyes wide with surprise. His own eyes, his hair, his face, his nose. Even the birthmark just in front of his left ear was there. He reached up and put a finger on it. It was real, all real, not just an appearance but _him._

He let out the breath he realized he was holding, and something came over him. He didn’t think this was even possible, that’d he’d ever see himself again. He knew he must exist somehow, because he’d presented to Eliot in some way, but this was _him._ His real self, unburdened by living in the body that felt like a stranger.

He watched tears form in the corners of his eyes. “I’m me.” The sound of his own voice resonated in him, no longer just a sound like it had been when he was in Elliot’s head. It moved with his breath, hummed in him.

“You’ve always been you,” Pete offered.

Charlton shook his head, unable to explain. If someone hadn’t lived it, hadn’t moved through so many moments feeling like who they were on the inside wasn’t who they were on the outside, they couldn’t understand.

He wanted to stare at his reflection, to rejoice in the feeling of _himself._ In the relief that he looked good, he looked beautiful. He loved how he looked, how he felt.

He could feel his legs getting weak and he stepped back from the mirror, sinking down the floor to lean against the wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest, and finally, _finally,_ they were the right length.

He didn’t ever want to take the amulet off, didn’t want the feeling of wrongness to come back. He knew he’d have to, at some point. He didn’t want to appear back at Brakebills without an explanation. And he didn’t know how to be seen as himself. The only ones that had seen him as he was were Eliot and Margo. No one else living had seen his face, until now. He didn’t know what to make of that.

He lowered his head onto his knees and let himself shake. It was so much, but it felt right. His chest tightened and he hugged his legs. “I’m fine. I just… need a minute.” The sound of his voice still surprised him.

“Can I get you anything? Water? Piece of cheese?”

“Water,” he managed, mostly wanting Pete to leave him to process this on his own.

He could hear Kady’s voice in the apartment now, and he brought his head up, looking towards the doorway. He started to reach out to close the door but Kady came through the doorway and put her foot in front of the door. “Uh, Pete, why is a stranger crying in the bathroom? What did you do?”

“He didn’t do anything.” Charlton pulled himself upright. “It’s me. Charlton.”

Kady got down on her knees next to him, studying his face. “The amulet?”

Charlton reached to take it off, to show her so she knew it was him, but she stopped him with a hand on his. “You can take it off if you want to, but don’t it for me.”

Something in her trust and acceptance shook him more than he realized it would and he looked over at her, staring. She must have noticed his shock because she moved closer and sat next to him, her leg against his, and wrapped an arm around him. “You look perfect.”

He snorted. “I can’t even imagine how red my eyes are right now, Kady.” It’s the longest sentence he had said in so long.

“Seen worse.”

Leaning into her, he rested his head on her shoulder and she brought her hand up to brush through his hair. He held up his hand in front of them, staring at it. “I expected maybe an illusion, because it’s the magic I used to know. But this isn’t that, this is inside me.” He turned his hand over and traced the lines on his palm with his eyes. “I’m suddenly in the right body and now that I’m here, that feeling of things always being wrong makes more sense. And it’s gone.” He dropped his hand and stretched out his legs, eying where his pants stopped. “These pants are now longer.”

“We can fix that. How are your shoes?”

Charlton flexed is foot, noticing no discomfort or extra space beyond what he’d noticed before. Hyman’s feet were slightly more wide. “About the same, which is something.”

“Finding a pair of shoes that fits is a terrible experience.”

Pete returned and handed him the glass of water, crouching down next to them. “You okay?”

Charlton wrapped his arms around the glass of water and nodded. “I think so.” In reality, maybe he felt too good. What would it feel like to take it off? Maybe he didn’t have to. But it seemed that Eliot coming home one day and just finding him like this might be a bit much without warning. He took a deep drink of the cool water. “I know I have to take it off at some point. I don’t think I should just head home like this.”

“Do you have anywhere you need to be tonight?” Kady asked, her hand still in his hair.

He realized that he didn’t. That alone felt depressing, but at the same time, freeing. He’d have some time to see how this feels. “I don’t.”

“You can stay here,” she offered. “You won’t have to take it off, you won’t have to worry about how you get back when you’ve got this on your mind. I’ll get Penny to take you back tomorrow. I can text Eliot and let him know.”

Charlton snorted. “Eliot’s got enough on his mind.”

Pete stood up and stretched. “Charlton, he’s seen you in some form every day for months. Believe me, he’ll notice if you’re not there.”

Charlton pushed his lips together, realizing that Eliot has had enough people disappear from his life lately that Charlton didn’t want to add to that stress. He nodded. “Well, we wouldn’t want him to worry, then. But text him in about twenty minutes when he’ll be on lunch.” He didn’t want Eliot to worry, but he also didn’t want to prompt too many questions from Eliot about it, not yet. He’d tell him when he was ready. He was sure that Eliot would be happy for him, but something about coming to Eliot like this felt like too much. He wanted to know what to expect from himself, not trip over some carpet, or stick his face in a flower, or burst into tears because of a mirror.

“I’m glad he’s had someone to keep him company in the cottage,” Kady added.

“It hasn’t been easy on him,” Charlton admitted.

“We’ll drag him out soon, now that his schedule is hopefully settling down. For now, I’ll order Thai food, and we’ll find a stupid movie to watch.”

“… tie food?” Charlton didn’t know what that was and he wasn’t sure he was supposed to.

“Thai. Starts with th.” Kady looked over at Pete. “Want to stick around for lunch?”

Pete glanced at his watch. “I have an appointment regarding that matter we discussed yesterday. I’ll report back to you what I find out.”

“Thanks for taking care of that.” She took the glass out of Charlton’s hand and reached up to put it on the counter. Getting to her feet, she reached down a hand to help Charlton up.

He didn’t need the help, but he took her hand anyway. Hands felt differently, warmer, like they were supposed to. After he stood, he held on her hand for a moment. “I’m not trying to be inappropriate, it’s just that everything feels really nice.”

“It’s fine,” Kady assured, putting her other hand over his.

“I’m going to go ahead and head out.” Pete reached out a hand to shake Charlton’s, and he let go of Kady’s hand to do it. He tried to match the strength of Pete’s grip but felt like his hand just ended up confused. “I’m really glad this worked out.”

“It’s thanks to you,” Charlton admitted. “Pete, I really appreciate it. I owe you.”

“Oh, I don’t work like that anymore.” He grinned. “Greater good and all that. Within reason.” Pete left the room, and Charlton heard the door to the apartment open then close.

He looked back up at himself in the mirror, the image starting to become less surprising the longer he looked. “I’d like to just sit here for a bit and figure out what this feels like.”

“Take all the time you need. I’m going to go pull out some snacks in the meantime, I missed breakfast.” She backed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Charlton turned his eyes back to the mirror, trying to commit his own features to memory. Another birthmark on his forehead. He slid off his shoes and socks and felt the bathroom mat under his bare feet. It was more rough than it looked but he didn’t care, he was feeling it with his feet.

He felt along his stomach and sides, and everything felt like it should. He thought about just taking off his clothes to check, but he didn’t want to deal with buttons right now. He _hated_ buttons. If he was spending the night here, perhaps he could borrow a bathrobe though. There were so many things about himself that he’d either forgotten or that he’d taken for granted. Reaching up, he ran a hand through his hair. Maybe it was the light of the bathroom, but it had more red in it than he remembered. And it was soft. His fingers against his scalp felt so good, letting his fingernails scratch lightly along the surface.

 _This was it._ This is who he was. He smiled, and it felt like his own smile. Turning around in front of the mirror, he could see that his whole shape had changed.

He was absolutely, perfectly, himself.

Collecting his shoes and socks, he headed back out, setting them down next to the couch. He wondered what so many things would feel like. Moving away from the couch, he took a few experimental steps at a run.

The first few steps felt amazing, his legs moving exactly as they should. But the more steps he took, the more he felt his balance start to wobble. He paused, putting his hand against the wall to hold him for a moment before he went back the other way. It took longer this time to start to wobble, but when he did, his arms ended up grasping at the air trying to keep him upright.

As he felt himself falling, he reached out to grab the edge of the bannister on the stairs. His forward motion carried him around it and he landed on the stairs in a heap. Kady swore from the kitchen.

“Are you okay?” she called.

“Nothing broken but my pride.” Charlton rubbed at his elbow where it had hit the stairs. He’d have to get used to that. But he’d get there. He sat on the stairs, leaning backwards to look up at the ceiling. Even falling felt better like this.

He sat up and got to his feet, walking more carefully to the kitchen. “I think I’ve got that out of my system for now. I feel so full of energy right now.”

“That makes sense. You haven’t seen yourself as yourself in a long time.” Kady reached into the fridge and pulled out a can of Coke, setting it in front of him. “I know you love opening the can.”

Charlton pulled the can closer and tapped the top before he opened it. “Thanks. For letting me be here while I work it out.”

“You can have all the time you need.” Kady leaned against the counter. “I’m going to guess this feels right to you then?”

“It does. Or at least I think it does.” Charlton thought for a moment. “It feels right, but it’s not as easy as just being me again and that’s that. It’s like when I had to get used to Hyman’s body, and now I have to do it all over again.”

“You’re smiling more,” Kady observed, pulling out her phone. “I’m going to order a couple of my favorite dishes, and we’ll see what you think. Do you trust me?”

“Absolutely.” He perched on a chair in the kitchen, sipping at the Coke. “It’s starting to feel less strange, so there’s that.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Kady sipped at a glass of an amber liquid that Charlton assumed was alcohol. She held up her glass for a toast. “To you being you.”

Charlton tapped his can against hers and smiled, reveling in the feeling of _being_. The one question that nagged at his mind is why Santa had given this to Eliot. He looked down at it on his wrist. “I’m not sure why this ended up meant for me.”

“We may never know, but I think it’s worth nothing that Eliot needs all the friends he can get while we all work out a way to get to the new Fillory,” Kady pointed out. “Maybe a familiar face might help.”

Kady could be right. Tomorrow he’d go back to the cottage and start living life as himself. He’d show Eliot the amulet and see what he thought. For today, he’d take a little bit of time to figure out what being himself was. It had been so long that he’d forgotten, but he looked forward to discovering it all over again.


End file.
